zt My feelings on 2016 and Pacific as a whole. （2016，美舰本，和我的想法）

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While my writing has never been amazing, this is even less coherent than normal.

我写作可以说很一般，但这次比之前的更杂碎很多。

I suppose before I begin, you should know a little about me. I came out of a dirt-poor blue collar family somewhere in New Jersey. Well, dirt-poor isn’t the right term, considering that I’ve lacked for very little in my life. My family did their best to provide for me, but our family as a whole was very frugal. It’s kind of how my entire clan functions. As a whole, we’re very independent, very “redneck,” with lots of former military and craftsmen and people who really just knew how to live off the land. We kept our heads down and worked and enjoyed our quiet lives. Life, times, things were good. We were never wealthy, but we had enough to eat, and the family was thinking about pooling me money so I can go to college and get an education.

我想，让我开始前，我想读者你应该更多了解我一点吧。我的出身是一个很平凡的新泽西州穷苦蓝领家庭。穷苦也许不是十分妥当，因为我的记忆中，至少我从来没有缺过什么。朴素，也许是更好的用词，因为我家人尽了自己全力来带给我我所需要的东西，但大家的生活都很节俭。我们整个家族可以说都是这样。我们很独立，我们很“红脖”，主要是退伍军队以及工匠以及很多知道如何靠自己的几亩土地来维持生活的农民。我们低着头，默默的工作的，过着很安稳的生活。真的，我感觉那个时候，生活很美好。我们也许不是有钱人，但我家从来没缺过吃的，小的时候我就记得家里有想给我攒钱，这样我可以去上大学，拿个好的教育。

… Stuff happened. Long story short, what happened when I was young helped to shape me into who I am today. I am not by nature an emotional individual, but I really do subscribe to the statement, “my country, right or wrong. If right, stay right. If wrong, make right.” I was raised to always be fair, but sometimes it’s hard for me to be fair when I love something so much.

然而事情发生了。总之，我小时候发生的一系列事情，最后的结果就是把我塑造成了现在的这样的人。我不是一个十分冲动或者喜欢让自己被情绪控制的人，但我坚信一个道理。“我的国家，无论对错。如果对，让她对下去。如果错，让她马上转正。”虽然我从小到大就是坚信公平这个价值的，但你理解，爱，有时就是不公平的。爱国也是一样。有时让我公平对待我的国家，真的很难。

Somewhere along that time, America changed, too. You can’t wear flags anymore. That’s bigoted. People who wanted to pray got shut out, because to display religious beliefs openly was also bigoted. I started seeing protests on our campuses, where if you didn’t join in, you were racist or bigoted. I was never comfortable with how we taught our history, but I was well-read. I did not truly see how crazy we’ve became until a black student stood up in a Chinese history class I was TAing and demanded the professor talk about African American contributions to ancient Chinese history.

然而，随着我的长大，美国也变了。带美国国旗不行了，那叫做歧视。想祷告的人也不行了，因为那也叫歧视。当我们校园中开始出现抗议的时候，如果你不跟着去抗议，你也是歧视者，种族极端狂。我从来没有对我们历史课程感到舒服过，但我好歹看过几本书。但就连我这样自以为是的家伙，直到一天我看见黑人同学在中国历史课上站起来威胁教授讲黑人在中国古代历史上的贡献后，我才想到，你妈，这有点不对劲啊。

This is at a top 10 US college. At the best of the best.

我顺便吐槽下，这是美国前十名的大学。这是优秀学校中最优秀的地方。

Yeah, I’m serious.

不开玩笑的。

It’s like you can’t even love this country anymore.

你知道我感觉好像他们都不让你爱国了一样。

I was raised on the knees of many USN veterans. Some fought at Midway. Some are still alive today. Many were there when Pearl Harbor was hit. One great uncle I’d never met give his life there. Yet I’ve watched our government take the best these brave men have to offer, and spit them back out a broken husk, a shadow of their former glory. As I grew up I watched things beyond my control rip my extended family apart even as every single one fought stubbornly against the odds. I saw how our country’s policies have fundamentally failed people.

我可以说是在美国海军老兵们的膝盖上长大的。有些参加过中途岛海战。有些今天还活着呢。有些当年珍珠港被袭击的时候就在，我一个从来没有见过的叔爷就在那时走了。然而你知道我看到了什么吗？我看到了我们的政府，我们的国家把这些勇敢的人的最好带走，给回来的，只是一个个半破碎的空壳，一个个曾经英俊的影子。随着我的长大，我看到我的家庭，因为我们无法控制的因素被撕裂。我见到太多家里人拼了命一样，去跟命运争斗。然而，我们国家在这上，失败太多了。

Plenty of my uncles lost their jobs, and instead of giving them a hand up, the state passed them up and said that they weren’t deserving of help because they weren’t as important as minorities, or that they didn’t qualify for aid because they had accumulated some property through their own hard work, or because they were trying to find work or are working menial jobs so they can take care of their families. They were told that they are privileged as white people, and they should help themselves.

我家里的好几个叔叔失去了他们的工作。政府不但没有拉他们一把，并且直接把他们推了下去。因为他们不是重要的少数民族，因为他们有一些经过自己劳动所获得的财产，因为他们需要养家糊口在打零工，所以，他们不值得帮助。因为他们是白人，所以他们被那些人告诉说，你们有白人的特权，你们自己帮自己吧。
I saw our government sent my cousins, hale and hearty, into wars that we never should have been in the first place. You ever seen a childhood playmate come back without an arm, or missing a leg, or worse, their minds? Who’s helping them? Certainly not the protestors.

我知道我们的政府把我那些健壮的表哥表弟们直接丢进那些我们本来就无权无理插手的战争。你知道你看到你小时候玩伴回家来缺胳膊少腿或者甚至发了神经病会是什么感受吗？又有谁会帮助他们呢？我不知道，但我知道抗议游行的那堆家伙们是肯定不会的。

Having obtained an education, I see firsthand real social injustice in our education system. Students who aren’t part of a particular minority or a particular skin-color have to work so much harder, just to get the same things that I get – because I’m a woman. The last part I really want to say something about, because it’s tremendously relevant.

你想知道什么是真的社会不公吗？当你得到教育后你就知道什么是真的不公平了。非少数民族，非政治保护体系下的学生，他们要想拿到给我的待遇，需要比我努力几个倍数。凭什么？就因为我是妹子？我真的想好好说说这点，因为这点对我太重要了。

Isn’t that absurd? Do these people ever wonder how that affects me? It doesn’t matter how much better I do academically in comparison to my peers. Do they not know that I’ll always wonder: did I get in here because of my own merits, or did I take a more deserving student’s spot because I’m a pretty white girl and it fits their quotas?

这些搞政策的人想过吗？他们疯了吗？他们知道这对我们这样的人有什么样的影响吗？我无论如何努力，我如何在学业事业上超越我的同学同事，你知道我永远，永远都会问一个问题：我来到这里，是因为我自己的能力，还是因为我是个漂亮白妹子所以本来应该是一个比我更有本事学生的位置就这样被我抢走了？

I can go on. But I don’t think I need to. What I’m trying to say is that above all else, the very atmosphere of America today is very much one of frustration. I’m a medical student. I have a life more or less set for me. I’ll never have to worry about putting food on the table, or student loans or choosing between heat and electricity. Yet I see how things have gotten so much worse for so many people I know personally, and I rage. I know I’m never going to be a good doctor. I take it personally whenever I fail, because I’ll always feel the weight of loss personally, and I will always wonder if I could have done something differently.

我可以说下去，但我想你已经明白了。我的意思很明确。美国现在有很多愤怒，很多怨恨，有很多烦躁。我现在是医学生。我的未来基本上已经有了。我永远不会担心家里孩子吃什么，或者学生贷款，或者选择给家里供电还是供暖的区别。但越来越多的美国人正在面对这些问题，而我看到这种情况，我只能无助的发火。我知道我这个脾气意味着我永远当不了一个好医生。当我失败的时候，我会责备自己。每一个人的损失，每一个人的痛苦，我能深深感受到，而当我跟他们一起痛过后，我肯定会问：我如果做了一些别的什么，我会不会改变这个事情的结局？

Magnify that sort of emotion a hundredfold, and you now understand how I feel about this country. I guess that’s why I get so angry when I see some of the grass-is-always-greener-on-other-side folks intentionally spreading misinformation about America. Praise my country for what we’re doing right. Why are they twisting the truth? Why do you pretend that we are doing good when we are not?

把我上面所说的那种感受，放大一百倍，你现在可以理解我对美国的感受了。我仇恨世界各地的美分，就是那些邻居家草总是更绿的，散播各种关于美国谎言的人们。我们要是做的好，你说我们好也行。你们为什么要扭曲真理？我们明明做的不好，却一定要说好？

For what it’s worth, I was still ensorcelled in a shell of privilege. NONE of my classmates thought I made any kind of sense when I tried to communicate my feelings. “America’s fine, nothing bad’s happening, carry on.” I had to skirt the university and reach out to professional organizations just so I could prove to myself that I wasn’t delusional. And so, instead of a grand tour, I wandered a little. I traveled for one reason and one purpose only. As an American, I wanted to understand suffering to the extent of which I am able to do, so that I can actually be empathetic and do my part to make this world a better place. China is not the only place that I’ve attempted to understand, but it was by far the most different, so I went there rather than picking popular SJW tourist countries like Africa. As I wandered, I read about – and then saw with my own eyes as I trekked – the industrial decay of the Northeast, the barren cliffs of Shanxi, and the slums in the deeper basins in the heart of China.

说句实话，总体生活在奢侈中的我们啊，仍然在奢侈中。在我身边的同学们没有一个认为我说的有道理的。”美国没问题，一切都很好，你想太多了。”我为了证明我自己没疯，直接跳出了学校的圈子，自己去找了相关机构来做这种探索。我没有出去旅游，而是稍微走了走世界。我当时出去只有一个理由，就是我想要知道到底世界上有多么穷。我要理解我也许从来不会理解的世界，这样当我有机会能让世界变的更好的时候，我能真心的说，我曾经试过理解。中国当然不是我唯一跑的地方，但怎么说呢，我恰恰选择了中国，而不是这里同学喜欢去的各种非洲国家。我读过，看过，然后走过东北城市的工业腐朽，陕西野外的荒芜悬崖，以及靠近中国之心，黄河长江的，如同贫民区一样的地方。

But in reality? I didn’t have to go too far. Those places weren’t so different from some parts of home, like the ghost towns of West Virginia or East St. Louis or Detroit or Baltimore or Chicago or yes, even back home, in New Jersey.

但说实在话，我真的不需要走太远。因为那些地方，我们家里也有。西弗金妮亚的一个个幽灵城市，东圣路易斯，芝加哥，底特律，巴尔的摩，甚至我自己的老家，新泽西。

I wasn’t crazy. Some of these places honestly didn’t look better than some of the poorer areas I’ve been.

我没疯。有些这些地方，跟那些我去过外国的地方，看起来并没有好多少。

When you’ve got a chip on your shoulder, you either stay mad or you do something about it. I chose the latter. As a trainee, I do what I can for my community and the people around me. At night, I turn to the internet, where I am mistress of my own domain. That little domain happens to something some of you know as Pacific.

当你怀着满腔怒火无处发的时候，你要不然生气气下去，要不然，你会把这腔怒火转变成实际行动。我的选择也很容易看得出来。白天，我是个医学生。我尽我所能给我的社区以及人民提供我能做到的帮助。夜里，网络给我带来了自由。这里，我有一块属于我自己的领地。我的领地，恰恰就是一部叫做美舰本（Pacific）的作品。

There’s a reason why I poured my heart and soul into Pacific. It was a way for me to challenge myself, of course. I want to create a world and tell a good story. I didn’t cram a third degree of medieval literature on top of my other credentials in four years just so I can keep all those great legends to myself. I wanted to make something I could be proud of, and I definitely enjoy creating it. But it was also a way for me to make a stand. Everything about Pacific, from how our team functions to the creative details, from mundane details like how to release or how to price our works to esoteric bits like ensuing historical accuracy are articulation of my feelings and representations of my values. I’m sick and tired of the historical revisionism and a world of relativism that our society is forcing down our throats. You’ve seen my thoughts on this matter. It hasn’t changed.

我把身体和灵魂都投入了美舰本，是有原因的。确实，我希望挑战自己。我想讲一个好故事，想创造一个世界。毕竟我当年拿的中世纪文学的学位可不是只是把那些神话留给我的哦。我想做出一部我能引以自豪的作品，并且我做美舰本，确实是最开心的。然而你知道吗？美舰本同时也是我用来表达自己的一种方式。这部作品的一切，从创造到我们团队的精神，从很平凡的如何定价或者如何发布到不太平凡的历史细节或者考究的保证，这都是我个人的感受，以及我个人的价值观的显示。我真的受够了。历史修正主义让我作呕。普世价值，就是什么事情都只有相对而无对错，真的让我厌倦了。你们又不是没看过我的想法。因为这些想法都没有变。

People say that a world of black and white is too simplistic, yet how is that more simplistic when they’ve replaced two colors with only one, grey?

你知道有人告诉我，我的黑白鲜明的世界太单一了，太简单了。然而他们要把两个颜色的世界，黑，白，都替换成一个灰色。是我的世界观太单一，还是他们太单一啊？

In truth, what I had felt a year and a half ago – that feeling of frustration and loss that partly motivated me to stand up and craft Pacific – was already there. I set out to tell it like it is, and I did. I had already recognized that we don’t win, or recognize the good in our ourselves and our country, and that our country is falling apart from the inside. I channeled that frustration into creativity as an opposing force to the idealist who I once was, still am, though sometimes I cannot see the light, and one day still could be.

说句实话，我那些对国家的感受 – 愤怒，无助，无奈，以及绝望 – 可以说直接带动了我写美舰本的一部分动机。那些感受早就有了。我只是想真诚的把这些事情讲出来，我希望我做到了。我已经认识到了我们不再当赢家了。我们变得黑白颠倒，我们不认可我们中间的好事，我们国家做的正确的事情，以及我们目前正在崩溃之中的事实。自然而然，我利用了这些反面情绪，把它变成了创作灵感，充分平衡了那个理想主义的我。对，就是那个曾经，现在（虽然有时看不见光明），将来都会试图相信理想主义的我。

By intent, Pacific is not a thematically complex work, but in clarifying my thoughts I have inadvertently uncovered one of my own motivations for the creation of Pacific. Subconsciously, in my desperation to craft a narrative in my own world to illustrate the values I hold dear, I have created in that work an opponent so terrible that the inhabitants of my world must put aside their differences and band together, or else they are destined to perish. Can you understand why I did this? Day after day, I am watching my own country slide towards ruin, and there was nothing I could do to stop that. I thought that if I cannot stop America from falling in real life, I can at least save her in a world of my own creation, where things like integrity and courage and honor still exist, and good and evil – in all their simple and paradoxically complex glory – can be free to leave their marks on the world.

美舰本的核心思想并不是什么特别复杂的东西，因为我本来就没想做十分复杂的东西。然而，在今天写信时，我突然理解了我潜意识的一个动机。我太想表达自己的信念或者价值了。我设计的反派，可以说就是为这价值而诞生的。因为这个威胁对这个世界的居民们实在太大了。如果他们不能团结起来，那，最终他们只会灭亡。你能理解我为什么这么做吗？一天又一天我看着我的国家慢慢滑向灭亡。而我只能无助的在边上看着。我想，如果我不能在现实生活中阻止美国的毁灭，那我至少可以在我创造的虚拟世界中，给她一条活路。至少在我的世界里，诚信，勇敢，和荣誉是仍然存在的。有时简单有时复杂的如同矛盾的善与恶，也可以在我的作品中，自由的开始影响我的世界。

Even before this election, I was determined to finish my work and bring closure to my world. I was trying to Make America Great Again in my own work before Trump had even announced his intentions to run for president.

早在这次大选前，我就已经认定了一点。我要完成我的故事，给这个世界画上一个满意的句号。在特朗普选择竞选总统前，我就已经试图着在我的作品里，让美国再伟大起来。

I know I’m not the only one, and there are plenty of other people out there who want to make their country great again or better than before as well. Is it any surprise then, that so many of what he says is resonating?

我知道我不是唯一一个想这样做的人。世界上有很多想让他们国家也伟大起来的人。他打动了这么多人，难道还很奇怪吗？

Let’s be clear. To Make America Great Again, to me, simply means that we go back to our roots, where we earn every bit of respect and every dollar in our bank through honesty and hardwork. I believe that a country of our status and our position should be humble while striving to do our best, and if we actually believe in freedom and tolerance, then how about we practice what we preach?

稍等。让美国再伟大起来对我来说是个很简单的概念。我希望我们每一点尊敬，每一块美元，都是因为我们的诚实努力，靠劳动而得到的。我认为我们这样的一个国家应该谦虚的尽我所能来做的最好。如果我们相信自由，相信容忍的话，我们应该说得出，做得到。

There was once upon a time where we knew what the right thing was. World War II, for what it’s worth – and I’m perfectly aware of realpolitik opinions – was the last time where I could say with good conscience that we went in because it was right. In Truman’s years, we had a president who could have colonized and filled in the void that Britain left behind, but we didn’t. It wasn’t the right thing to do. In Eisenhower’s years, we had a president who was ballsy enough to resist the entire will of Congress and the American people and reject nuking China. All because he believed it wouldn’t have been the right thing. In those years we weren’t perfect, but we weren’t hypocritical. Not like we are today.

曾经有段时间我们是知道对错的。二战是个好的例子。我知道真实政治利益的各种学说，然而我认为这是我们最后一次可以毫无内疚的说，我们参战，是因为这是对的。杜鲁门时代我们曾经有过能放弃成为下一个大英帝国的总统，就是因为我们知道如果继续殖民下去，那样做不对。艾森豪威尔时代，我们有个能顶住国家人民国会以及所有美国上下的压力而放弃对中国使用核武器的总统，就是因为他知道，用那东西，不对。

那些年代我们也不完美。但至少我们不是伪君子。至少我们不像今天这样。

I guess what I’d really like to see is a spirit that’s been dormant for a long time. I want to see more proud, rational patriots all around the globe. I want to see more proud Chinese and proud Americans interact, shake hands, and treat each other fairly. I believe in a dream where not only we can co-exist, but we can prosper together. We can only do that if we first acknowledge that we are equals and revel in the fact that we are different.

你知道我真的想看到什么吗？我想看到一个已经沉睡很久的灵魂。我想看到更多的理智的，爱国的爱国者们在世界上出现。我想看到更多以中国为自豪的中国人与以美国自豪的美国人互动，握手，公平对待双方。我相信我们能互相共存，我相信我们能让大家一起变的更好，但我们只能在庆祝我们不同，以及认可我们平等的情况下，才能达成这个梦想的。

Really, something Trump doesn’t bring up – but I know he understands – is that we haven’t treated China fairly either. He’s a dealmaker. There’s no way that guy can be in business and not understand how the Chinese think or feel about what happened to their country. We Americans have never been invaded. We’ve never really lost. We could not – and I sound incredibly SJW-y but it’s the truth – understand the Century of Humiliation with the intensity and passion the Chinese do, and we’re too used to being bullies and having our way, without treating other countries respectfully. That must change if we want to earn China’s respect, if we want a brighter future for the world. No other candidate is even willing to acknowledge that except for Trump.

特朗普不会直接这么说，但我知道他理解这一点。中国对我们不公平，但我们又什么时候对中国公平过呢？他是个商人。跟中国人打交道打了这么久，他不可能不知道中国人在这种情况上的看法。我不会装大神说我理解中国人的心理。我不可能理解 – 我们美国人从来没有被侵略过，或者确切来说，我们还真没真正输过。我听起来像我讨厌的美分，但你知道吗？我认为这是实话。我们不可能理解中国的百年国耻。而我们现在当惯了恶霸，根本不会思考如何尊敬其他国家的主权。如果我们要得到中国的尊敬的话，让世界变的更好的话，我们必须要改变。而台上目前除了特朗普以外，其他人连想都不会想这个问题。

Respect goes hand in hand with national sovereignty. I willingly choose to believe that one of the foremost rights of any country is that. People deserve to be governed by their own people. It is at best arrogant and at worst downright destructive for us to assume that we know best for other people.

这个尊敬，跟国家自主权，是手拉手的。我认为一个最重要的价值就是这个自主权，自己统治自己的权利。一个国家的人应该被自己国家的价值管理。强迫把我们的价值附加给其他国，在最好的情况下，是高傲。在最差的情况下，只能起到毁灭性的反面作用。

If people want to believe in the same values as we do, they’ll be embracing it willingly. Do you see that happening these days?

如果别的国家跟我们在某些特殊价值上能保持一致，他们会自己过来的。但这种事情发生了吗？

As an aside, some of us New Jerseyites aren’t so far from those New Yorkers to not know Mr. Trump for who he is, and believe me, for whatever other perspectives people may hold, many of us here will always see him as a competent patriot. Flawed, of course, he’s only human, but he is magnificent in his own unique way precisely because of that. Before he became a celebrity on the Apprentice ask my uncles about Mr. Trump and they’ll tell you that he helped clean up NYC and gave it the splendor we now see today. NYC wasn’t anything like what you see today. Trump was the only one at the time who believed in its potential. Folks like us know exactly what kind of a person he is, and we know what kind of a leader he’ll be. The same blue collar folks that the reporters’ll never ask to appear on TV either love him or grudgingly admit that they want to be like him. Trump is really a kind of the embodiment of a particular vision or dream of America – the “winner” that people used to aspire to be.

说句题外话。我们新泽西人离纽约不太远，我们也了解特朗普。相信我，不管美国其他地方人怎么想，我们这里一直都会认为他是个靠谱的爱国者。确实，因为他是人，他毛病一大堆。然而，这恰恰是他的优点啊。当他成了电视明星前，随便找我一个叔叔问问，他们会告诉你，这家伙清理了纽约市，直接帮助它变成了现在的繁华帝都。当年的纽约市跟现在完全两码事。特朗普当时是唯一一个相信它的潜在力的人。

换句话说，我们这种人知道他是什么样的人，也知道他是什么样的领袖。我家那种蓝领红脖不够高雅，没有记者会来采访。然而你知道他们会说什么吗？他们要不然爱死了这个家伙，要不然他们会不情愿的承认，他们想当这个家伙。特朗普其实就是一种美国梦的实体版，就是很久前我们都希望当的人生赢家。

Trump is not the end to all of America’s woes. I certainly don’t think he’s perfect, but the fact that he exists and is still fighting awakens in me something I haven’t felt in a long time. Hope. At long last someone is talking about issues that desperately needs to be talked about. At long last, someone’s willing to stand up, acknowledge our flaws, and tell things as they are. Every other politician before him came bearing gifts. Trump offers no such thing except for a job offer: come help me fix our country.

特朗普不是美国的灵丹妙药。我不认为他是个完人。但他存在，并且他还在奋斗中，让我心里很久没有过的感受苏醒了。这个感受叫做希望。终于有人开始说我们国家需要讨论的实际问题了。终于有人敢站起来，承认我们不完美，实话实说。每一个特朗普之前的政治家都拿了一筐礼物来。特朗普没有礼物，他只有一样东西。跟我来，我有活给你干。来修理我们国家吧。

I’ll take it.

这活，我接了。

To me, it matters little whether or not America actually becomes great again as promised. No great power lasts forever, and it may very well be that we’ve reached the end of our time. That’s fine. What matters to me is we give it a serious effort, and do our best to see if we can fix our problems. All I ask for is for a single chance. A chance to help fix my country.

对我来讲，到底美国能不能再次伟大起来已经不重要了。世界上没有永久的国度，也许我们确实天数已尽了。对我来讲重要的只是我们能认真对待这个挑战， 站起来看看我们是否能修复我们的问题，这就够了。我只想要一个机会。一个机会来帮助修理我的国家。

A chance, to bring those values that once made America what it was, back again.

一个能把当年那些让美国成为美国的价值带回来的机会。